Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lessons for my unborn child(ren)...

I don't have any children, but I often think about whether I'll be a good mother.  And, occasionally, I take stock of the things I know about life in general that I think will help me to guide my child into adulthood.  Below are some things that I think are the most important. 

Thanks to Sesame Street and the Electric Company, I know my letters and numbers, a couple of short kiddie words.  I could even teach them that, although they may THINK that "LMNO" is one letter, it's actually 4.   

I'll make a slide show of skanky girls, to be shown at an appropriate age to educate the child about either, what not to wear (if it's a girl, or if he's gay), or what type of girls to stay away from (if it's a boy, or if she's a lesbian).

I know to teach him/her that brussels sprouts and asparagus are awesome when roasted with parmesan cheese and garlic.  That the crockpot is the best invention ever (Dude, you can say you cooked without even BEING there. AWESOOOOOME!).

I'll teach my child that they're supposed to say "No!" to strangers.  Even though strangers have the best candy, s/he wouldn't like being taken away from Mommy and being bound, gagged and thrown into a white van with no windows in the back.

Wash your hands when you touch icky stuff...that includes boogers.  I know they look all cool and green, but civilized people don't play with them. 

Be nice to other kids.  Share your things UNLESS the other kid's stuff looks like hell.  (I'll show you what that looks like.  I'll most likely have a slide show covering this.)  What the hell do you think YOUR stuff is gonna look like when they're done with it????

Growing up and going to school means that you're going to meet a lot of people.  Many of them will be stupid.  Just bring them home and Mommy will help you observe and analyze them.  We will then create a master list of "The Stupids".  These will be the kids to stay away from.

Hang with nerds.  Because nerds are social outcasts, they often succeed in life when they grow up because they have something to prove to "the beautiful people".  They tend to be hard workers, and many of them end up making a kazillion dollars with their nerd inventions.  You can identify potential nerds by approaching them and simply using scientific terms like "endoplasmic reticulum".  If they "high five" you, add their names to the master list of kids Mommy approves of.

Don't ask other kids about sex.  Mommy has the BEST PowerPoint presentation planned.  Complete with kid friendly animation to show how things work.  I promise it won't be icky, and I'll have Daddy help do the voices (Note to self: have Snookums think about the voice the male parts should have.  Suggest Antonio Banderas'.).  I'll even throw in a movie about development AFTER fertilization.  THAT'S the cool part.  Everything before fertilization is messy.

Now, what did I forget?

Oh, and don't kill people.  

From watching shows about serial killers, I know that, if a child is killing small animals with glee, that I should be alarmed.  And that I'm supposed to grab said child's hand mid kill and whisk him/her away to the nearest psychiatrist.  Apparently, killing small animals gives the kid an early taste for blood, and they eventually graduate to bigger things...like people.  We can't have that if they're going to be under MY roof.